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Healthy Relationships

Boundaries

What Are Boundaries

Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship. Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems belong to you and which problems belong to me. Boundaries are the setting up of mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual limitations/choices we make in our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not…….

Boundaries require maintenance. Some are transparent; others are opaque. What is seen as a healthy boundary in one country or culture may be misunderstood or feared in another culture. Basic differences can create a clash of boundaries.

I am not you! Our emotional health is related to the health of our boundaries. What are your boundaries? Do you know? Do you have a sense of edges, your uniqueness? Are you comfortable within your own limits?

Prime Violations – Intrusive violations – these occur when a physical or emotional boundary is breached. Appropriate closeness is defined by context, by the type of relationship. Distance violations – Adults also need to be touched! These occur when intimacy is less than what is appropriate!

(Source: Katherine, A., Boundaries: Where you end and I begin, Fireside Publications, 2000)

Assorted Boundaries

Dogs come when they’re called……………Cats take a message and get back to you!

Distinct vs. indistinct boundaries - that is the decision to make

• When boundaries are very rigid, new ideas or experiences can’t get in.
• A person can be too close………..and too distant.
• One’s boundaries can be so flexible that they can’t hold a shape.
• A partner’s whose boundaries are too flexible can be irritating and possibly untrustworthy
• Boundaries that are too permeable lead to enmeshment…….where do you stop and I begin?

Intimacy – the Commitment makes the difference – Symbiosis is not intimacy. True intimacy requires two separate individuals. Making the transition from two needy people to two distinct people intimately bonded takes lots of time, arguments, communication, mistakes, clarity, forgiveness, acceptance and support. If the two have worked on their individual development before their commitment to each other, this process takes a lot less time than if they’re starting from scratch.

Mending Wall – It’s never too late to build boundaries for yourself! Your boundaries can’t help but improve by following these three things:

• Increase your self-awareness
• Identify violations and the offenders, understand them, and get care for that damage
• Examine the state of your boundaries in your present relationships and clean them up!

Good boundaries yield healthy relationships! The process requires continued attention and maintenance. Good boundaries enable us to define ourselves.

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