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Healthy Relationships

"Co-Dependent" Relationships

What is “Co-Dependence”

Co-dependence is a term that has been widely used in the last 10 years to describe relationships without clear boundaries. Although no longer in vogue, the concept of co-dependence provides a useful framework for examining how we interact in relationships with others. Our culture portrays romantic love, in songs, television, and movies, as being a relationship in which the partners are inseparable, are nothing without each other, and one in which each partner derives her/his very sense of self from the other. While portrayed as the ideal, this is actually a description of a very unhealthy relationship.

Examples of Co-dependent Relationships

• My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• Your struggles affect my serenity.
• My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• My mental attention is focused on manipulation you "to do it my way."
• My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
• My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

If this describes you, in your relationships, this is an area for potential growth. Becoming aware of it is the first, and most important step. After awareness comes the opportunity for change. By observing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships, you can identify changes you would like to make. You can start practicing new behaviors. Friends and family members may resist or sabotage your attempts to change. It may be helpful to seek counseling to assist you in making changes in your style of interacting in relationships.

(Source: Oklahoma University Women’s Outreach Center)

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