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Healthy Relationships
Communication & Conflict Resolution
Disagreements in a relationship are not only normal but, if constructively resolved, actually strengthen the relationship. It is inevitable and normal that there will be times of sadness, tension, or outright anger between you and your partner. The source of these problems may lie in unrealistic, unreasonable emotional demands, unexplored expectations, or unresolved issues or behaviors in one partner or in the relationship. Key to resolving conflicts in healthy relationships are self-honesty, a willingness to consider your partner’s perspective even if you don’t fully understand it, and communication, communication, communication!
Ten Steps to Easier Communication and Conflict Resolution
- Understand Each Others’ Family Patterns - Find out how conflicts were managed in your partner’s family and talk about how conflict was approached (or avoided!) in your own family. It is not unusual for couples to discover that their families had very different ways of expressing anger and resolving differences. When we think about it, we often discover that our conflict resolution patterns have been influenced by what happened in our families. (If your family wasn’t good at communicating or constructively resolving conflict, give yourself permission to try out some new ways of handling things.)
- Timing Counts: Sometimes “Right Away” is not the “ Best Way ” - Research on happy couples suggests that it is important that couples “time” their fights in the way that works best for them. Contrary to previous notions, the best time to resolve a conflict may not always be “right away” or even as soon as possible. It is not unusual for one or both partners to need some time to cool off. This “time-out” period can help you avoid saying or doing hurtful things in the heat of the moment and can help partners more clearly identify what changes are most important. Remember—if you are angry with your partner but don’t yet know what you want, it will be nearly impossible for your partner to figure it out!
- Establish an Atmosphere of Emotional Support - Emotional support for each other is critical. Emotional support means giving your partner the message that you’re behind him or her. This does not mean agreeing with one another all the time. Realistically, no two people will agree on all occasions. What it does mean is doing your best to treat your partner in a way that says, “I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out.”
Emotional support involves accepting your partner’s differences and not insisting that he or she meet your needs only in the precise way that you want them met. An example might be when you want your partner to show love for you by spending free time with you, sharing and being open, and paying attention to your concerns and needs. Of course these are important activities, but your partner may often show his or her love by doing things—like sharing home responsibilities, bringing you gifts occasionally, discussing the day’s events, or talking about books and movies that you’ve shared. Find out how your partner chooses to show his or her love for you and don’t set absolute criteria that require your partner to always behave differently before you’re satisfied. Remember, too, that the words “I love you—I like being in a relationship with you” and “You’re important to me” are not demands and can be strong motivation for your partner.
- Agree to Disagree and Move On - In discussing “The 10 secrets of happy couples,” Maud Purcell, LCSW, suggests that most couples will encounter some issues upon which they will never completely agree. Rather than continuing a cycle of repeated fights, agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise or find a way to work around the issue.
- Use “Videotalk" - Most of us have periods of uncertainty when we may not know what we want. Take some time to identify what you really want before talking to your partner. Work on being able to describe your request in clear, observable terms. Some people use the “videotalk” rule; they strive to make “action requests” that an outside observer could see or hear on a videotape. This means saying “I would like you to hold my hand more often” rather than the rather vague “I wish you were more affectionate.” Hardest of all is sorting out the difference between things we “want” versus things we truly “need.” For safety reasons, you might need your partner to remember to pick you up on time after dark. But calling you four times a day may really only be a “want.” Hoping that your partner will “read your mind” or figure out what you want from vague “hints” often leads to mutual frustration if not to a fight.
- Clarify Your Messages - A clear message:
- Involves a respectful but direct expression of your wants and feelings.
- Tackles one thing at a time.
- Discuss One Thing at a Time - Starting out by talking about one concern and then bringing up another when the first discussion is unfinished can also lead to problems. Do your best to keep the focus on resolving one concern at a time, even if it is tempting to “list” other concerns or grievances.
- Really Listen: A "good Listener" is an "Active" Listener - By “active,” we mean that you (a) don’t interrupt, (b) focus on what your partner is saying rather than on formulating your own rebuttal or response, and (c) check out what you heard your partner say. You might start this process with: “I think you are saying . . . .” Or “what I understood you to say was. . . .” This step alone can sometimes short circuit a fight based on a misunderstanding.
- Restrain Yourself - Dr. John Gottman, a prominent researcher in the area of enduring relationships, has found that couples who “edit” themselves and do not say all the angry things they may be thinking are typically the happiest. He also found that “softening” the beginning of a fight was important. In situations where one partner made a critical or contemptuous comment “right off the bat,” the couple’s conflict escalated quickly.
- Adopt a “Win-Win” Position - A “win-win” stance means that your goal is for the relationship rather than either partner to “win” in a conflict situation. This may mean asking yourself: “Is what I am about to say (or do) going to increase or decrease the odds that we’ll work this problem out?” If your partner feels bullied, out-talked, or otherwise the “loser” in a fight, you may win the battle but lose ground in the relationship. A better approach may be to use “fair fighting” techniques. A “fair fight” involves a step-by-step strategy for resolving conflict in which both partners negotiate a mutually acceptable solution to a problem.
(Source: UT Counseling & Mental Health Center)
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