Misconception: Battering/domestic violence affects only a small part of the population.
Fact: According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, from 25% to 50% of all women in heterosexual relationships are abused. The Surgeon General has reported that battering threatens the lives of more women than rape, cancer or car accidents combined.
Misconception: Battering occurs only among poorly educated families in the lower socioeconomic classes and/or people of color.
Fact: Battering affects women of all classes, races, religions, nationalities and ages, married or not, straight and lesbian. When batterers are categorized by profession, police officers, doctors, lawyers and accountants rank as the most at risk to commit violence against a mate.
Misconception: Fights between mates are a natural part of life.
Fact: Disagreements occur in all relationships, but what distinguishes a disagreement, or "heated argument" from abuse is emotional degradation and physical violence. In many instances, physical abuse begins when the woman becomes pregnant, or immediately after the wedding ceremony. Battering is also common among couples who are dating. Dating violence is far more frequent than is reported, because victims often remain silent.
Misconception: A slap never hurt anyone.
Fact: Wrong. A slap can kill. A study in Washington, D.C. showed that, while women utilize emergency room services on the average of 2-3 times in their lives, battered women seek emergency care 2-3 times per year, for a variety of injuries, many of which are life-threatening. Battering (even slapping), can cause emotional disability and permanent physical disability, including blindness, deafness, paralysis-- and death. In as many as half of all abusive relationships, rape is part of the abuse. At least one-third of all women murdered in the U.S. are killed by a male partner.
Misconception: Battered women must be masochistic and want to be beaten, otherwise they would leave their partner.
Fact: Women may be reluctant to leave for a complex set of factors, such as shame, fear of being economically unable to support her children (a majority of homeless women have fled abusive relationships), degraded self-esteem after years of emotional abuse, even love or concern for the abuser. Women are raised to feel responsible for keeping a family emotionally intact, for care-taking and healing wounds; it makes sense that some may feel responsible for the violence inflicted on them, for self-blame and believing the man they love can be changed. Some women are literally physically trapped in a violent relationship. Their spouses may lock them in, removing phones and taking the children to day-care themselves, never letting the woman know where her children are. Others are disabled, either prior to, or because of the battering. Not all shelters are physically accessible, thus they may have no other place to go. Or, they simply have no idea that help is available. This is often true, for example, for immigrant women who speak no English (and who may be threatened with deportation if they tell), or deaf women, who are isolated from the general knowledge hearing people "pick up" from radio, TV or other verbal sources.
When a woman does leave a relationship, there are no guarantees of safety. The most dangerous time for abused women is during a separation. Batterers will often go to great lengths to trace their spouses or partners in order to continue the abuse. Many abusers feel that they "own" their mates and are entitled to do as they wish.
Misconception: Some women provoke men and deserve to get beaten. After all, it takes two to tango.
Fact: The abuser is responsible for his violence, not his victim. Studies have repeatedly shown that what a woman does or doesn't do has no effect on reducing the violence in a relationship. Domestic violence is often characterized by a syndrome called the "cycle of violence", where a beating is preceded by a period of incredible tension. This tension heightens and finally explodes in violence, often including rape. In fact, because women know the violence is inevitable, they may consciously "trigger" the violent episode so they can get it over with sooner than later. This is a way of maintaining some control over an uncontrollable situation--they may not have any say over whether the beating happens, but they might have some control over when it happens. The violence often ends with a "honeymoon" period, when the batterer is remorseful, repentant and loving. This behavior entraps the victim even more, as she truly believes his promises to change. Over time, the cycle may grow shorter and shorter, with batterings becoming more frequent and the honey moon phase shrinking and even disappearing.
Misconception: Married women are responsible for keeping the family together. She made her bed, she has to lie in it.
Fact: No woman deserves to be beaten. No one deserves to be humiliated, degraded, or raped. While there are generally more resources for abused women in urban areas, even rural areas have resources. A batterer is responsible for his own violent behavior, and he will only stop if he under- stands what he has done, why he must change and makes a commitment to changing. It is difficult to expect him to manage it alone. Groups for abusive men are working to help them change, to learn new ways of dealing with frustration and anger.
Misconception: Men batter because they are alcoholics.
Fact: Not all batterers are users of alcohol or drugs. And even men who are substance abusers batter when they are sober as well. Alcohol and drugs are an excuse for violence, not the cause. Sometimes women are coerced into drug addiction by abusive partners and then blackmailed into not seeking legal or emotional help in a strategy known to anti-domestic violence workers as "gas lighting." Women also use drugs and alcohol to mask their pain and escape the violence.
Misconception: Battering occurs only in heterosexual relationships.
Fact: While it isn't clear just how common it is, battering happens in lesbian and gay relationships. The abuse is similar to that in heterosexual couples, but it is far more invisible, because lesbians, even more than gay man, are invisible in our society. Many programs for battered women are only just beginning to address this issue. However, more groups which support battering survivors are recognizing this issue and now welcome lesbians, as well as, heterosexual survivors.
Why People Stay
"You feel dependent, you fear loneliness, fear not being able to take care of yourself or the children. you love the man, hope he will change, believe what he says, the flowers, the dinners out, the good sex, the fear that he will hurt you more, that he'll kill you, that he means his threats, your self-esteem is so low, he's told you that you can't do anything, you're worthless, that no one else would want you, you couldn't hold a job, and he needs you, you like to be needed, you're the only one he can really talk to, you feel sorry for him, he had a hard life and you want to change him, take the pain out of him, and only you can do it, otherwise you leave him to die, to be in pain forever, you learned what good wives are supposed to be able to make the marriage work, it's your fault, you have failed in your main job, you saw your mother beaten by your father, heard your mother put down by your father, or you were discounted as only a girl, not very important and never expected to be independent, or maybe you were beaten yourself or molested and had your power taken from you early on, or maybe that happened later in the marriage, when everywhere you turned for help, your family, his family, the police, the legal system, all turned their backs on you and said to go back, try harder, you must be doing something to provoke him, you learn helplessness, you cannot find a way out, your depression leaves you feeling that you cannot move, and you learned that the man is supposed to be in charge, so when he started taking all the control it was difficult to see, he is controlling the money, what you wear, what the children do, who you see, you are being isolated from friends and family, or maybe your parents didn't teach you to cope in the world, they wanted to protect you until you got married and then he would protect you and what a shock when he first hit you, you couldn't believe it and he apologized and of course, you forgave him, he'll never do it again, and of course society is on his side, no one believes that this fine upstanding citizen, professional, nice guy, could possibly do what you say he's doing, maybe you are crazy, paranoid, and you want to be taken care of, you were promised you would be, in all the fairy tales, and you do love him, when he's not abusing you, you don't know what to do... " Ellen Ledley
Ellen Ledley, Therapist
Latest FBI Statistics
Hill, Griggans, and Sutherland. "Women's Self-Defense: A complete Guide to Assault Prevention." 1987.