from UVA's A Guide to Surviving Sexual Assault

adapted by GMU Sexual Assault Services 1995

Sexual assault is a violent or coercive invasion of personal privacy and space, and can be a humiliating as well as a terrifying experience. Sometimes, victims fear for their lives. In other cases, sexual activity without consent may not have the violent overtones of stranger rape or assault by someone with a weapon, but can still radically affect the survivor in all aspects of her/ his life. The experience of sexual assault has different meanings for different people, and survivors typically experience a variety of behavioral and emotional aftereffects in unique and individual ways, based on their experiences, support systems, and the actual assault.

Survivors often withdraw from other relationships because of their feelings of fear or humiliation, or because they feel responsible for what has happened to them. Ordinary activities such as working, studying, going to class, or just being with friends may become extremely difficult to maintain. You may feel crazy and out of control, but this is quite normal given what you experienced whether recently or in the past.

For you, out of control may mean:

you can't concentrate in class;

have intrusive memories of the assault (think about the assault/rape

all the time);

are afraid you'll see him or do see him everywhere you go;

can't cry or can't stop crying;

eat everything in sight or nothing at all;

increase your alcohol consumption;

avoid your friends;

never want to get out of bed;

don't trust anybody;

have nightmares;

can't sleep;

feel paranoid;

feel depressed;

feel suicidal;

feel helpless;

feel sad all the time;

feel afraid of everything;

want to forget;

want to escape;

feel rage;

have other physical symptoms:

nausea,

diarrhea,

muscle tension,

anxiety,

trouble breathing,

wanting to take lots of showers,

feeling dirty, and/or

panic attacks.

It's important to remember that some feelings aren't logical. You may experience some or all of these symptoms, or you may feel nothing at all. Feeling numb or "blank" after an assault is a common reaction and a defense against being overwhelmed or a fear of losing control. These things are a part of what happened to you. These symptoms have a name: Rape Trauma Syndrome. Many experts prefer to call your experience and your feelings Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD). This means that you experienced a trauma or significant, terrifying event that is outside the range of normal experiences that people usually have.

Restoring your sense of control is important. One way to start feeling in control again is to realize that you have choices about your medical treatment and legal decisions (reporting the crime, filing charges, and/or filing a lawsuit). Following a sexual assault, you may discover your way of life has been disrupted or changed in a variety of ways. You may think about changing jobs, moving, changing your field or major (especially if the attacker is in your department), moving, or even transferring to another school. Some survivors become afraid of spending any time alone, where others are afraid of crowded situations. All of these are common reactions. The important thing to remember is that you have choices. Your decision to pursue healthy choices is one of the first steps in healing.

Feeling out of control or fearful of other situations may occur all at once, or once in a while. Some people may try to block other intense feelings and painful memories by becoming very busy or involved in activities. Others may need to talk about the assault and their feelings about it all the time. All of this is part of the Rape Trauma Syndrome and PTSD.

Many survivors of sexual assault have found support and understanding in talking with other survivors to see how they have reacted to their own experiences of sexual assault. Below is a list of reactions to sexual assault that may help you understand your experience and know what to expect.

Reactions to sexual assault:

Emotional Shock: I feel so numb. Why am I so calm? Why can't I cry?

   Disbelief:        Did it really happen?  Why me?  Maybe I just made it up.
   Embarrassment:    What will people think? I can't tell my family or friends.
   Shame:            I feel so dirty, like there is something wrong with me.  I
                     want to wash my hands or shower all the time.
   Guilt:            I feel as if it's my fault, or I did something to make 
                     this happen.  If only I had...
   Depression:       How am I going to get through this semester? I'm so tired.
                     I feel so helpless.  Maybe I'd be better off dead.
   Powerlessness:    Will I ever feel in control again?
   Disorientation:   I don't even know what day it is, or what class I'm
                     supposed to be in.  I can't remember my appointments.  I
                     keep forgetting things.
   Triggers:         I keep having flashbacks. I'm still re-living it.  I see
                     his face all the time.
   Denial:           It wasn't really a "rape."
   Fear:             I'm scared of everything. What if I'm pregnant?  Could I
                     get an STD, or even AIDS?  How can I ever feel safe again?
                     Do people realize there's anything wrong?  I can't sleep
                     because I know I'll have nightmares.  I'm afraid I'm going
                     crazy.  I'm afraid to go outside.
   Anxiety:          I'm having panic attacks.  I can't breathe!  I just can't
                     stop shaking.  I can't sit still in class anymore. I feel
                     overwhelmed.
   Anger:            I want to kill the person who attacked me!

Rape and sexual assault are probably the only crimes where survivors are often treated as the "guilty ones." This is not fair. However, because of the way the court system views these crimes, it is certainly understandable that you may feel some or a great deal of guilt. These feelings can be especially powerful (or overwhelming) if you knew your assailant. You might feel guilty because you were unable to stop or prevent the assault, or you feel that you "should have seen it coming," or perhaps you had too much to drink. During your healing, the important things to remember are:

It's not your fault. No one asks to be raped or assaulted.

This is one crime where you may be treated as though you are guilty.

Others may try to make you feel responsible for what happened to you

because of their own feelings of vulnerability.

Being vulnerable and/or intoxicated is not an excuse for someone to

assault you.

Rape or assault is not an act of sex or lust -- it's about aggression,

power, and humiliation.

The rapist's goal is domination, so simply saying "no" to this person

may not have prevented the assault.

How Long Will I Feel This Way?

You may not know what is happening because you're having so many conflicting feelings. This is normal. "OK, so now what?", you ask. "How do I make it go away???" Perhaps you're looking for a quick fix to the problem, or a magic wand, or someone to "make it disappear," but unfortunately, it's not that easy. The good news is that you CAN recover, and in fact, you have already begun your recovery by reading this article. Talking about your feelings and experiences is also part of your recovery -- a large part of it.

"Well, just how long will this take?" There's no easy answer to that question. Each person will recover at her/his own pace. Although it may feel hard to reach out for help or support, there are many resources in the Northern Virginia area for survivors of sexual assault.

Will Anyone Else Really Understand How I Feel?

Healing can be fostered by developing a network of support. Not everyone has supportive friends or family, yet there are ways to find and build a circle of support. It may be difficult to know whom to trust, or who will really listen and understand how you're feeling. Feeling "normal" again may take awhile, but there are many people who can help you during your healing process. One way to find these people is through a sexual assault center or women's center.

Many rape and assault survivors find it helpful to talk with a sexual assault crisis counselor. These counselors are trained to listen and understand Rape Trauma Syndrome. They can help you sort out your options and can refer you to support groups for survivors of individual counseling. In addition to sexual assault counselors, many professional counselors have training in this field. If you want to make sure they'll know how to help you, ask them if they have had training in rape and assault issues.